RADIO PREP
Over the years I have collected lots of humorous prep from my radio shows,
here are some of the best from my special features
BONEHEAD AWARDS *** STUPID LAWS *** WACKEY NEWS *** TOP 5 THING'S
TOP FIVE THINGYMAJIGS
Top 5 Funny Signs
1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs
3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
5. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance.)
Top 5 Funny Signs
1. OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
2. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.
3. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
4. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.
5. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car.
Top 5 Funny Signs
1. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
2. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
3. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
4. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work.)
5. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
Top 5 Confucious Sayings
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl!
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Top 5 Witticisms
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I've ever made.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
Top 5 Confucious Sayings
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
He who lives in glass house, dress in basement.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
Top 5 Witticisms
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
Top 5 Confucious Sayings
He who run behind bus get exhausted.
Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
Girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip.
Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.
Top 5 Witticisms
Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
If you don't like the way I drive, get off the pavement
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Top 5 Witticisms
I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
If you don't like the news, go out and make your own.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Top 5 Things Not To Say When Stopped by The Police
No, offi, offic, lucifer... I'm not as think you are drunk I am.
No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110.
Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
Want to race to the station, Sparky?
I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!
Top 5 Things Not To Say When Stopped by The Police
On the way to the station let's get a six pack.
You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!
Come on, write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
Top 5 Things Not To Say When Stopped by The Police
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
I pay your wages!
Top 5 Excuses Women Use To Reject A Man & What They REALLY Mean.
I think of you as a brother. (you remind of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance')
There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer)
I'm not attracted to you 'that' way. (you are the ugliest dork I've ever laid my eyes on)
My life is too complicated right now. (I'm waiting for a rich sugar daddy
I've got a boyfriend. (I've got batteries)
Top 5 Reasons Trick-or-Treating is better than Sex
The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.
Top 5 Excuses Women Use To Reject A Man & What They REALLY Mean.
I don't date men where I work. (Hey, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building)
It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you) I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you) I'm celibate.
(One look at you and I'm ready to swear off men altogether)
Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with)
Top 5 Reasons Trick-or-Treating is better than Sex
If you wear a Tony Blair mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.
Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
Less guilt the next morning.
IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!
Top 5 Reasons Women Prefer Cucumbers To Men
The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long.
Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
Cucumbers don't get too excited.
Cucumbers never suffer from performance anxiety.
Top 5 Reasons Why It's Better To Be A Man
Your last name stays put.
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can write your name in the snow.
Top 5 Reasons Women Prefer Cucumbers To Men
Cucumbers are easy to pick up.
You can fondle a cucumber in a supermarket.... and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
With a cucumber you can get a single room.... and you won't have to check-in as Mrs. Cucumber.
A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
With a cucumber you can always wait until you get home.
Top 5 Reasons Why It's Better To Be A Man
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.´
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
Top 5 Reasons Women Prefer Cucumbers To Men
A cucumber won't ask: "Am I the first?".
A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin.
Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin.
Cucumbers won't pout if you have a headache.
Cucumbers won't care what time of the month it is.
Top 5 Reasons Why It's Better To Be A Man
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
Hot wax never comes near you pubic area.
One mood, all the time.
You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
Top 5 Reasons Women Prefer Cucumbers To Men
Cucumbers never want to get it on when your nails are wet.
With a cucumber you never have to say you're sorry.
Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month.
Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on.
Top 5 Reasons Why It's Better To Be A Man
You can open all your own jars.
Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
When clicking through channels, you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying.
A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
Top 5 Reasons Women Prefer Cucumbers To Men
You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.
Cucumbers aren't jealous of your Gynecologist, Ski Instructor, or Hair Dresser.
A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.
No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber.
A cucumber never has to call "the wife".
Top 5 Reasons Why It's Better To Be A Man
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Monday Night Football.
You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
Top 5 Reasons Why It's Better To Be A Man
You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
Top 5 Reasons Why A Computer Is Better Than A Man
They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
A better model is always just around the corner.
They look nice and shiny, until you bring them home.
It is always necessary to have a backup.
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on
Top 5 Reasons Why A Computer Is Better Than A Man
The lights are on but nobody's home.
Big power surges knock them out for the night.
Size does matter.
They'll do whatever you say, if you push the right buttons.
The best part of having either one is the games you can play
Top 5 Things Not To Say To Your Girlfriends Parents On The 1st Meeting
My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me
We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.
There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.
Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable, in my opinion.
Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.
Top 5 Reasons A Woman IS Better Than A Man
We got off the Titanic first.
Our boyfriend's clothes make us look gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We can cry and get off speeding fines.
We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
Top 5 Reasons A Woman IS Better Than A Man
Taxis stop for us.
Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
We can hug our friends without wondering if they're gay.
Free drinks, free dinners.
Top 5 Reasons A Woman IS Better Than A Man
New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.
Top 5 Reasons A Woman IS Better Than A Man
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
Top 5 Witticisms
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide is that considered a hostage situation?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
So what's the speed of dark?
Top 5 Witticisms
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some bubblewrap, what do you pack it in?
Top 5 Witticisms
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Top 5 Witticisms
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is weak?
Top 5 Witticisms
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
Top 5 Witticisms
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Top 5 Witticisms
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Top 5 Witticisms
Tell someone that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and they have to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a chair at him?
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Top 5 Witticisms
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the tube?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Top 5 Witticisms
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
Top 5 Witticisms
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
Life's a buffet... so eat me!
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do," is the longest sentence?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Top 5 Excuses Men Use To Reject A Woman & What They REALLY Mean.
"It's a guy thing." Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain." Really means..."I have no idea how it works.
"We're going to be late." Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
Top 5 Excuses Men Use To Reject A Woman & What They REALLY Mean.
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means...."I can't hear the match over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear." Really means...."Are you still talking?"
"It's a really good movie." Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."
"That's women's work." Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is." "Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and
the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
Top 5Excuses Men Use To Reject A Woman & What They REALLY Mean.
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "...And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall right into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
Top 5 Excuses Men Use To Reject A Woman & What They REALLY Mean.
"I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you
don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
Top 5 ways to deal with Stressful Lives
Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.
Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa, and vice-versa.
Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
When someone says "Have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
Top 5 ways to deal with Stressful Lives
Dance naked in front of your pets.
Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to kindergarden as if nothing is wrong.
Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
Top 5 ways to deal with Stressful Lives
Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
Pay your electric bill in pennies.
Drive to work in reverse.
Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
Top 5 ways to deal with Stressful Lives
Start a nasty rumour and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
Braid the hairs in each nostril.
Write a short story using alphabet soup.
Stare at people through a fork and pretend they're in jail.
Make a language up and ask people for directions in it.
Top 5 Handy Tips
Keep old light bulbs after they pop. When your neigbour asks you to look after his house while he's away on holiday, swap them for his
Save on expensive loo rolls by taking a griping book to the toilet with you. You will become so engrossed that whatever there was to wipe will have
dried up by the time you put the book down.
A good book with all the pages covered in cellophane makes for ideal reading in the shower.
Keep Monkeys out of you kitchen by hiding bananas on top of a wardrobe in your bedroom
Give your house that city centre car park feel by putting 'P' & 'No Spaces' signs on the front door, and let inviting tramps in to urinate down your stairs.
Top 5 Handy Tips
Old people why not clamber up on top of a bookcase, cupboard or wardrobe. Warm air rises and so the temperature will increase the higher you climb
Save the call charge next time you dial a wrong number by replacing your receiver before the phone is answered
Increase blind peoples electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
Ignore advice to leave lights on when you go out, in case of burglars.
If anyone is heartless enough to break into your home, they should jolly well be left to find the light switches for themselves. Making things easier
for them will only encourage these people to commit more crime
Top 5 Handy Tips
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating
into it, before jumping in
Smokers take the effort out of stubbing out cigarettes by placing a Used, damp tea bag at the bottom of your ashtray.
Crooklocks designed to secure car steering wheels can just as easily be fastened to a toilet seat, thus preventing burglars from using your lavatory.
Fill your bath with water. Then add 14 kilos of salt. Hey presto your own miniature Dead Sea
Save the price of a new television licence by simply keeping your old one and only watching repeats which you've already paid for.
Top 5 Handy Tips
Don't throw away that old pianola just because the music rolls are no longer available from record shops. I find that roll of kitchen paper makes
an ideal substitute, although the tune can be somewhat repetitive
Make your own orthopaedic car seat cover by threading conkers onto a string vest.
Make your wife cry when you are having sex by phoning her & telling her.
A tub of margarine sent via interflora is the perfect romatic gift for a girl who likes making sandwiches.
Prolong your love making by inventing excuses to get up & go downstairs every thirty seconds or so (left the gas on, put the cat out etc) this way
your lovemaking will last all night long.
Top 5 Handy Tips
Fellas, a fun way to keep warm on cold winter nights is to fill your inflatable sex doll with hot water.
Top 5 Useless Inventions
Non Drowsy Sleeping Pills
ABS for Bicycle
A c adapter for electric cars
Air Bag for Aircrafts
All terrain roller blades
Top 5 Useless Inventions
Battery powered battery charger.
Battery powered nose hair clipper
Bifocal binoculars
Bubble less Champagne
Camouflage Billboards
Top 5 Useless Inventions
Cast iron toilet paper (durable)
Cat flap for the fridge.
Checkered paint.
Clapper Operated Door Locks
Cord-less Extension Cords
Top 5 Useless Inventions
Cord-less pay Phone
Cord-less Wire
Dehydrated Water
Diet Celery
Dry Towelettes
Top 5 Useless Inventions
Edible condoms
Ejector Basket for Hot Air Ballocns
Electric banana straightener
Electric kazoo
Electricity Powered Generator
Top 5 Useless Inventions
Fireproof Matches
Flashbulb tester
Foam rubber toothpicks for sensitive teeth
Frictionless Sandpaper
Frowning Smileys
Top 5 Useless Inventions
Furry Toiletpaper
Gasoline Powdered Air Freshener
Glow-in-the-dark Sundial
Glow-in-the-dark Sunglasses
Glow-in-the-dark Suntan Lotion
Top 5 Useless Inventions
Hair dryer for Underwater
Heated Refrigerator
Helium Paperweights
Ice skate sandals
Imitation Cubic Zirconia
Top 5 Useless Inventions
Inflatable Anchor
Inflatable Dart board for Camping
Lighter powered Car Battery Charger
Liver flavored Lollipops
Matte finish floor wax
Top 5 Useless Inventions
Mesh Urnbrella
Motorcycle Air Conditioner
Motorcycle Ashtrays
Motorcycle Cup Holders
Motorcycle Windshield Wipers
Top 5 Useless Inventions
Motorcycle Seat Belts
Non-drip cooking oil
Open-tipped condoms
Polite Car Alarm (that. reads you your rights)
Top 5 Useless Inventions
Remote Controlled Exercise Bike
Remote Controlled Remote Control
Second-hand fireworks
See-through Blinds
Snow Tyres For Bicycles
Top 5 Useless Inventions
Soundproof Speakers
Sugar Coated Toothpaste
Toasted Ice-pops
Toupé/wig chin strap
Umbrellas with a sunroof
Top 5 Useless Inventions
Unscented Perfume
Virtual reality fishing
Waterproof Powder
Waterproof Sponge
Waterproof Tea Bags
Top 5 Useless Inventions
Waterproof Toilet Paper
Waterpro Towel
Wind-up radio or TV
World' s Largest Micro chip
Top 5 Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Doing It
Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
Granny found cuffed to her zimmer frame.
Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.
Craftmatic adjustable bed set for "doggy style."
Top 5 Reasons To Know You're a Single
You turn your socks and underwear inside out so you can wear them twice as long.
BEER is the freshest item in the fridge. ...beer is the ONLY item in the fridge.
If cooking anything longer than five minutes is a waste of time
The last time you cleaned the house was when you moved in
You don't feel guilty about leaving the lid up
Top 5 Reasons You Are Good Soul Mates
You have fun doing the laundry together.
You act the same way around your fiends when he's with you.
He calls you when you're thinking of him. (gag!)
You can talk with him non-stop and have quiet times.
You look into his eyes during sex.
Top 5 Reasons You Are Good Soul Mates
He knows how to boost your spirits when you're down.
He knows your Mum's maiden name.
You can be gross in front of him and not feel embarrassed.
You tell him things even your best friend does not know.
you let him trim your pubes
Top 5 Of What Every Man Expects In A Wife
She will always be beautiful and cheerful.
She will love you because you're so sexy.
She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm.
She will never be sick -- just allergic to jewelry and fur coats.
Top 5 Of What Every Man Expects In A Wife
She will insist that moving the furniture by herself is good for her figure.
She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.
Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shoveling snow.
She will hate credit cards.
She will wish you would go out with the boys so that she could get some sewing done.
Top 5 Reasons Why Men Can't Win
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good for nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
Top 5 Reasons Why Men Can't Win
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive.
Top 5 Reasons Why Men Can't Win
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you don't care about her needs.
Top 5 Reasons Why Men Can't Win
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
Top 5 Rules To Help Men Understand Women
Learn to work the toilet seat. If you've managed to lift it up, gravity is on your side when it comes to putting it back down.
Sometimes, we are not thinking about having sex.
"I ate it, didn't I?" is not considered praise.
Your responsibility for raising children does NOT end at conception.
"Yeah, yeah, you look fine," is not a compliment.
Top 5 Rules To Help Men Understand Women
Yes, I DO tell my best friend everything.
You have way too many t-shirts.
You're too old to wear a goatee.
Every actor we find attractive is not gay. You can stop using this one - - we've all heard it.
A hug is not always a prelude to sex.
Top 5 Rules To Help Men Understand Women
When we ask "Are you listening," we already know you're not.
Your best friend is an idiot.
Nothing says "I love you" like offering to go to the grocery store.
If you can rebuild the carburetor on a car, working the washing machine should be easy.
Yes and no are sometimes acceptable answers -- grunts and blank stares are not.
Top 5 Rules To Help Men Understand Women
A sore back that prevents you from doing household chores for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Underwear is like a car. After five years, it needs to be replaced with a newer model.
A romantic weekend getaway does not involve baiting a hook.
A Slap on the bum and saying, "How bout getting me a cold one" is not foreplay.
If it was really good for me...you wouldn't have to ask.
Top Top 5 Witticisms
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
Top 5 Witticisms
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I'm already visualizing the masking tape over your mouth.
Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Top 5 Witticisms
No, my powers can only be used for good.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
You sound reasonable... Time to up my medication.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
Top 5 Witticisms
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Top 5 Witticisms
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled a them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
What's another word for synonym?
Top 5 Witticisms
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Top 5 Witticisms
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly that loses it wings be called a walk?
Top 5 Witticisms
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?
Top 5 Witticisms
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians
Top 5 Philosophies
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Top 5 Philosophies
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Top 5 Philosophies
Nothing is fool proof to a talented fool.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Top 5 Philosophies
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I intend to live forever -- so far so good.
Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Top 5 Philosophies
Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Top 5 Quotes
When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car." Author Unknown.
"It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." . Joan Rivers.
"If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all." .................Rodney Dangerfield.
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy." ..............Steve Martin.
"My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert'. I said,'that's a big word for a girl of fifteen'." ............Emo Philips.
Top 5 Quotes
"My wife is a sex object. Everytime I ask for sex, she objects." .Les Dawson.
"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own." .Woody Allen.
"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty." .............Woody Allen.
"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic." ..............Woody Allen.
"There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz
380L convertible." ...............Unknown.
Top 5 Quotes
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay
good money for in later life." .................Emo Philips.
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." .............Steven Seagal.
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." ...........Robin Williams.
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them? .Marilyn Pittman.
"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Harrods comes out with a ride-on vacuum cleaner." ...........Roseanne.
Top 5 Quotes
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." ..............Johnny Carson.
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." .Paul Rodriguez.
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." ...............Jerry Seinfeld.
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." .Oscar Wilde.
"Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and
"Keep away from children"............ A Mum.
Top 5 Reasons Why Women Love Men!
We've got a comfortable place on our shoulder that's perfect for
snuggling into while they fall asleep.
They're enthusiastic about our bodies, even when we're not.
Chest hair, forearm hair and the feel of a newly shaved cheek.
How tender men get when they cry, and how seldom they do it.
What men lack in talk, they tend to make up for in action.
Top 5 Reasons Why Women Love Men!
Men make excellent companions when driving through neighbourhoods or walking past dark alleys.
Men really love their moms. & They remind us of our dads.
Men never care what their horoscope, their mother-in-law, nor their neighbors say.
They rarely lie about their age, their weight, or their clothing size.
How nice their butts look in jeans.
Top 5 Truth's About Children!
A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.
A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home.
Top 5 Truth's About Children!
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
Having children will turn you into your parents.
If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
Top 5 Gender Discovery!
Man discovered speech, invented conversation. Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
Man discovered agriculture, invented food. Woman discovered food, invented diet.
Man discovered friendship, invented love. Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
Man discovered woman, invented sex. Woman discovered sex, invented headache.
Man discovered trade, invented money. Woman discovered money, and it was a complete mess after that.
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say
Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
You know, Pumpkin, now that you're 13, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates?
I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.
Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!
What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son?
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say
Your mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.
Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring.
Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
What do I want for my birthday? Aahh -- don't worry about that. It's no big deal. (Okay, they might say it. But they don't mean it)
Top 5 Witticisms
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like . . . night.
On the other hand . . . you have different fingers.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Top 5 Witticisms
Remember half the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I intend to live forever--so far so good.
Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
Top 5 Witticisms
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Top 5 Witticisms
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable . . . except from vending machines.
Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
Top 5 Reasons You Know You're a Mum
You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your child's
favorite toy and made him/her cry.
You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
Your child throws up and you catch it.
Someone else's kid throws up at a party and you keep eating.
Top 5 Reasons You Know You're a Mum
You consider finger paint to be a controlled substance.
Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby of the doctor's office, and you do it.
You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night talking about and checking
on the kids.
You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats.
You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.
Top 5 Reasons You Know You're a Mum
You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes.
You can't bear to give away baby clothes -- it's so final.
You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "Not in your good clothes."
You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job," but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.
TOP 5 SIGNS YOU ARE BROKE
American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
You rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
Top 5 Biggest Lies!
The check is in the mail.
I'll respect you in the morning.
I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.
You get this one, I'll pay next time.
My wife doesn't understand me.
Top 5 Biggest Lies!
Trust me, I'll take care of everything.
Of course I love you.
I am getting a divorce.
Drinking? Why, no, Officer.
I never inhaled.
Top 5 Biggest Lies!
It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing....but we can still be good friends.
She means nothing to me.
Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."
I gave at the office.
Top 5 Biggest Lies!
Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.
I'll call you later.
We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year.
Read my lips: no new taxes
It's supposed to make that noise.
Top 5 Reasons To Know You're Getting Old...
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
Your back goes out but you stay home.
When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
Top 5 Reasons To Know You're Getting Old...
It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
When happy hour is a nap.
When you're on holiday and your ENERGY runs out before your money does.
When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.
Top 5 Reasons To Know You're Getting Old...
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
Top 5 Reasons To Know You're Getting Old...
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
It takes twice as long to look half as good.
Top 5 Reasons To Know You're Getting Old...
Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
Top 5 Ways To Drive A Woman Crazy!
Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery. . .
Never give her a straight answer.
Superglue the toilet seat in the up position.
Buy her power tools for Valentine's Day, Birthday, and Christmas...
Call her by the dog's name... of course you'll deny it.
Top 5 Ways To Drive A Woman Crazy!
Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Georgia when your original destination was California.
Pretend you forgot how to speak English.
Take up yodeling and practice a lot.
Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally different subject.
Answer every question with "Yes, dear."
Top 5 To Drive Men Crazy!
Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains, innocently suggest that he's gained a few pounds.
"Accidentally" fill the gas tank of his new car with diesel.
Have your mother fly in for a month-long visit, totally unannounced.
Insist upon a lot of "meaningful conversations."
Take the batteries out of all the remotes in the house. Hide them well.
Top 5 To Drive Men Crazy!
Organize his desk, workshop, bedroom, or other special place.
Misplace the cordless phone, preferably in a different room each time every other day for three weeks...
Reverse his contact lenses in their case.
Snip a small hole in his fishing waders, then follow him with a camera to capture his "sinking" on film.
Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is any history of male pattern baldness on his mother's side.
Top 5 Activities Guide To Burning Calories At Work
Beating around the bush. . . ..... .. . . . . .75
Jumping to conclusions..... . . . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls........ . . . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. ..... . . . . . . . . . .50
Passing the buck ........... . . . . . . . . . . . 25
Top 5 Activities Guide To Burning Calories At Work
Throwing your weight around .... .. 50-300
Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . ......... .100
Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .250
Making mountains out of molehills. . . . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . ..........50
Top 5 Activities Guide To Burning Calories At Work
Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . . 300
Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . . . 75
Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . .. . 200
Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Running around in circles. . . . . . . . . . 350
Top 5 Activities Guide To Burning Calories At Work
Climbing the ladder of success . . . . .. 750
Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .75
Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . . . . . . 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . . . . 12
Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . . . . .50
Top 5 Activities Guide To Burning Calories At Work
Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . . . 300
Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 90
Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . . . . . 350
Counting eggs before they hatch. . . . . . . .6
Top 5 Reasons It's Time to Diet & Exercise When...
you try to do a few push ups and discover that certain body partsrefuse to leave the floor.
your children look through your wedding album and want to know who Daddy's first wife was.
you get winded just saying the words "six-kilometer run."
you come to the conclusion that, if God really wanted you to touch your toes each morning, He would have put them somewhere around your knees.
You step on a talking scale and it says, "Come back when you're alone."
Top 5 Name Changes If They Married
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, divorced him, and married U2's Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
If Cocoa Chanel married Iggy Pop, she'd be Cocoa Pop.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
Top 5 Name Changes If They Married
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
Top 5 Famous Quotes From Famous People
"Smoking kills, and if you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -Anti-smoking spokesperson Brooke Shields
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas" -Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people that make them unsafe" -Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo
"The internet is a great way to get on the net" -Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole
Top 5 Famous Quotes From Famous People
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on." -Samuel Goldwyn
"It's like deja vu all over again." -Yogi Berra
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese"
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